how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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