You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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