I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize