I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was born a porn star she said
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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