I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
