Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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