I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
