The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
