i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
did you just send me my own nude
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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