I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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