I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
