the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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