My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
