im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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