My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
only you would photoshop your dick
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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