every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My vagina is officially offended.
Two words: blizzard sex
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
