I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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