I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
