Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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