I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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