Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
