i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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