Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
