had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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