I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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