dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
