If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
