i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
