ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
