Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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