I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
