Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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