please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
