the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
