I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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