I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
