I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
