ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
