Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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