Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
