my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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