dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
