i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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