I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize