Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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