I could make wine with my vomit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
