Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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