a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize