sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize