So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
