Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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