I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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