just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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