At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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