I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
