I am puke
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Slut skills are useful in every country.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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