I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
