i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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