Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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