I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
