Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
