I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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