he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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