the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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