Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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